October I was not feeling too good. Things I had planned fell apart and I found it very hard to deal with the resulting uncertainty. Nothing really bad happened. I was still safe, still catered for, still in contact with the people I care about. But I struggled. Leaving me feeling selfish for not dealing better. For complaining when others had it so much worse.
For a while I was completely caught up in self-pity and in tiredness. I did not look out, made my thing and nothing more. Only now that my situation has resolved, do I start to get interested in the world around me again. Engage and act.
Looking back it confirmed again how important it is to look after yourself. Not selfishly. Not always. But so much so, that you can step out of the things engangled around you and take an interest of what is happening. Have enough energy to get angry. Have your mind free to care.
The October scarf is important as it led me out of this entanglement. It is made from linen and wool, amazing to touch, strong and sturdy. I chose this deliberately to give me something nice to focus on, to motivate me and to start again. It helped me to sort myself out, comfort me and stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. Because that gets much harder when you feel amazed by something beautiful you are doing. Even though very small it gave me something to control, something to make.
It obviously wasn’t the only thing that got me started again. Friends and family, motivation and suport from different people has been as important. But is was one step towards feeling better, looking out and caring. And it is an insight I hope I can share for others.
Sometimes it is just right to focus on yourself and make something you like. For yourself. To give you strenght. So, that after you can be strong for others again. It is not something to beat yourself up about. Not something to feel ashamed about. Because we all cope with different things at different levels. It is not important to be super. Just be the best you can be. And that often includes taking care of yourself first.